Finding relationship advice is hard — scratch that, finding good relationship advice is hard. The truth is, relationship advice is everywhere. It's all over the internet, it's in so many magazines, and you're probably getting it from your family and friends — maybe even from people you hardly know. But just because someone is putting relationship advice out there, doesn't mean it's worth taking. Even when someone means well, they don't always know or understand what's going on in your life.
"Friends can be a great source of relationship advice so long as you recognize that their 'wisdom' has its limits," certified counselor Jonathan Bennett tells Bustle. "Everyone is in a unique situation. What worked for your friends might not work for you. So, while you can certainly try the suggestions of your friends, don’t assume that theirs is the only way."
And while some bad relationship advice can be laughable, bad relationship advice can also do a lot of damage. If you're inexperienced or vulnerable, it's natural to trust the advice of someone who seems more experienced or just more sure of themselves. But before you take it at face value, it's important think long and hard about whether it actually makes sense to you. It's important to see things through fresh eyes and listen to the people who have your best interests at heart, but you don't necessarily have to act. Ultimately, you're the only one in your shoes.
And some of the bad dating advice out there is truly terrible. Here are dating experts on the worst piece of dating advice they've heard — it's a good reminder of why you need to trust your instincts.
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"Act Like You Don't Care"
"'If you like [them], play like you don't care.' This is a go-to position for most people giving advice. Certainly we don't want to be a chump or pathetically chasing someone. But we do have to give a solid green light to let this person know that we're interested." — Susan Winter, NYC Relationship Expert and Bestselling Author
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"Be Your Best Self"
"While the intention might be pure, I don’t like when people encourage others to be their best selves when dating. People who are dating in a version of what they perceive to be as their ideal self versus their real self might be harming their chances at maintaining a long-term relationship. The reality is that we are not going to be able to maintain the idealized versions of ourselves for long, so after a while your partner is going to learn about your real self. You want the person you are with to love you and accept you as you are, not as the person you’re pretending to be. People who find themselves in this type of relationship often find the walls of security that they found with their partner come crumbling down in front of them." — Lisa Hochberger, Holistic Sexologist and Sexuality Educator
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"Lying In Your Online Dating Profile Is OK"
"'Lying is OK' — I've had several clients who have been told by other experts that a little dishonesty is OK in your profile because either everyone else does it, or you can correct yourself immediately with the excuse that you had to do it to get people to look at your profile. — the reality is that this advice is complete garbage. Justifying anything by saying that others do it is a great way to fail. Beyond that, the second you are caught in a lie, everything else you say comes into question." — Eric Resnick, Owner And Lead Dating Coach at ProfileHelper.com
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"Someone Will Come Along"
"Some of the worst advice I've ever heard is 'just be yourself, someone will come along'. It's such a disempowering statement. Just be yourself someone will come along. It's really like a way to dismiss someone and not get into though the real meat of what's going on. It's like putting your child in front of the TV all day so you don't have to parent them or deal with them." — John Keegan, Dating Expert
"‘Don't worry about finding a partner; the right person will come along’," Bennet says. “While worrying is never a good idea, if you don't actively focus on finding a good partner, one isn't going to magically pop into your life. People who find quality people aren't sitting back waiting for someone to enter into their lives.” — David Bennett, Certified Counselor, Relationship Expert and Co-author of Seven Self-Help Books
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"Just Be Yourself"
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"You'll Feel Butterflies When It's Right"
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"Play Hard To Get"
"'Playing hard to get is endearing.' Who dreamed up this junk? Don’t do it. It can make you look difficult and really doesn’t serve any useful purpose. If you like the person let them know. If you don’t… let them know.. Whether online or in-person, responses aimed solely for 'playing hard to get' are a waste a time and will likely ruin any chances of a good thing. Don’t play games — just be honest." — Justin Lavelle, Relationship Expert and Chief Communications Officer for BeenVerified
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"You Need To Feel A Spark"
"'You have to feel that “spark” or it just won’t work'. This isn’t really true. While the spark is mostly related to a real strong physical attraction, there are many other traits of a relationship that people connect on. Maybe you are really in tune with someone on a mental, spiritual, or emotional level. These are solid and some would argue that they create a more solid foundation than just pure physical attraction. So don’t despair if you don’t feel that spark. You may still be on to something good." — Justin Lavelle, Relationship Expert and Chief Communications Officer for BeenVerified
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Wait 3 Days To Call & Have Sex On The 3rd Date
"'Wait three days to call and be prepared for sex on the third date". Throw it all out the window. In the same vein as 'be yourself' just do what feels right for you. If you want to call 10 minutes after a great date… call! Basically, don’t set yourself up for games with timeframes and deadlines that somebody told you years ago. Go with the flow and do what feels right." — Justin Lavelle, Relationship Expert and Chief Communications Officer for BeenVerified
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Build A Dating Profile You Think Others Will Like
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"It's OK To Lie About Your Age"
"'It's OK to lie about your age'. Some people advise fudging your age a little bit if you need to seem a little older or younger to match the requirements of someone you fancy. After all, they reason, saying you're 32 when you're really 30 is hardly a big deal, right? This is totally the wrong approach. Relationships survive only when there is trust and honesty. Starting off the relationship with a lie, no matter how small, is going to come back to bite you in the long run. Don't do it." — Raffi Bilek, LCSW-C, Couples Counselor and Director Of The Baltimore Therapy Center
A lot of people who give relationships advice really, really are trying to help, but that doesn't mean what they're saying is true for you. So when you get relationship advice that doesn't sit right with you, it's important to not get too upset or be suspicious of the person. They're probably trying to help — but you don't have to listen.
Relationship advice is a dime a dozen.
You can find it anywhere from anyone, but that doesn't always mean it's worth your attention. It's either all the same or doesn't really apply to your current romantic situation.
For those reasons and a few more, other people's relationship advice isn't worth following. We'll convince you why as you scroll below!
A Lot of It Isn't Good
Everyone has relationship advice to offer, whether they're in a steady partnership or perpetually single. There's no limit to the amount of relationship advice you can find on the internet, because it's everywhere. No matter which site you visit, a few scrolls down the homepage and you'll encounter at least three different articles all offering guidance on your relationship woes. Just because it's there, doesn't mean it needs to be followed.
Most everyone will tell you the same cliché things when it comes to looking for love: 1. Put yourself out there 2. It happens when you least expect it 3. There are plenty of fish in the sea. To that we say: 1. Where is "there"? 2. Don't you still have to be looking for love to find it? A soulmate isn't going to fall right out of the sky. 3. We know we have options, but why do we always attract the bad ones or none at all? No one has those answers, so they'll just laugh off the more pressing questions, urging you to, again, put yourself out there and let fate run its course.
As people who have followed those types of tips, we can assure you all of that is a bunch of hoopla. Why? Well, because we're still single. We're not bitter about it, we just wish there was better advice available for us to follow that would lead to something more than a relationship that ends in being ghosted.
And these overused phrases aren't even the worst pieces of relationship advice that's out there. Trust us, it gets pretty bad, but we'll spare you the gory details. Know that you don't need to follow everything others tell you, because not every relationship is the same—which brings us to our next point.
Relationships Aren't One-Size-Fits-All
People apply the same advice to every relationship. Big mistake. No two people are exactly alike, even identical twins, so how come we assume all relationships follow the same protocol? Exactly, they don't. Yet others often forget this and throw you the same, tired nuggets of advice they think you haven't heard 100 times already.
Because relationship advice is all the same, we've all followed it to a T, hoping we'd find our true love because we did what we were told. It worked for a few of us, but many of us are still—wait for it—single. So how do you explain that, relationship advice-givers? If we followed the same words of wisdom that worked for you, but came up empty handed, what went wrong? It could've been us, but it could've been the fact that the same relationship advice doesn't work for everyone.
And if your relationship has hit a bit of a rough patch, people in "healthier" relationships will offer sage advice on what worked for them, not knowing the whole story. They'll assure you that doing this or that has always smoothed things over. It might work for you, too, or it could end in disaster. It's usually always the latter.
There's No Evidence to Back Up Their Claims
The next time someone offers you unwarranted relationship advice, ask them how they know it'll work. They'll likely respond with a quip about how it worked for them and they've never been in a happier relationship. Follow up by asking if they know of anyone else who this advice worked for. That's where you'll get them.
Those in relationships love to use their very own partnership as the epitome for finding love. Because they followed all the rules, they were able to meet their perfect person. But again, relationships aren't one-size-fits-all. What worked for them, probably won't have the same outcome for you. Sure, you know that, but anyone who's ever given any piece of advice doesn't.
To prove a point, go ahead and follow the advice they give you verbatim and watch it not pan out for you how it did for them. But if it does end up working, please shoot us an email with that advice so we can finally land us someone who'll put up with our sarcasm. Thank you!